Once again…its the same bull shit. Im so tired of feeling like this and the more I try not to the worse I become. I just cant stop my thoughts. I wish I could…. I dont think this obsession I have is healthy. all I can do is keep hoping and keep praying.

She crawled into the bed as she did every night, which was just big enough to comfortably fit both her and her nightmares. Cuddled up close to the silhouette embedded on the opposite side, she touched the imprint, whispering painful secrets under her breathe as hushed cries crawled through her pillows.  That is where she lay; drifting further away from the real world and into her safe haven of tragic self loathing and grief.

good girls love bad boys…; ilike that qoute

I am soo fucking stressed out…. like I cant even tske it anymore and I have no safe place to vent. I just want to get away for a day. get in my car and drive to God only knows where and just spend the day away from everyone and everything. This is all becoming too much. Its reallly really hard. And the more I try to think of positives, the more my mind just focuses on the bad. And maybe thats a bit selfish. Butttt everyone suffers from their own problems. And even though there are people who are worse off than me, I still have the right to hurt.

okay so tumblr is my only way of venting…. Ugh…. So everyone is having their babies and here I am, still trying. I should take this test in the morning but then I sit there and say why bother? Whats the sense? Its just going to turn out negative just like every other test. So since I was “spotting” the other day I decided to look up what could cause it. I stumbled across the term PCOS or in other words poly cystic ovary syndrome. Seemed interesting so I decided to read more about it. As I read I discovered that I have literally alll of the symptoms. Now Im not trying to self diagnose myself because that would be silly, I am no where near a doctor. However, with all the ovary problems I have just been through it seems fitting enough. Could I have this disease? Could this be causing my infertility? Is this why I still have no child? I just dont know. But I wish I did… I want a child so damn bad and it just seems soo unfair that I still have nothing to show for all of this trying. I feel like I should really go get tested for this.  I also really would love to see an infertility specialist but everyone will look at me like I am idiot because of my age and my parents would have a fit. I would just love some answers to all of my questions…and maybe for God to grant an unanswered prayer…. </3

Change starts today…. No more excuses… just discipline.

I want it. I want it more than any of you undeserving people…. Fuck! Im tired of all this stress. Im tired of being sad and just when I get back up something goes and knocks me back down. Its fucking bull shit and I have no safe place to bear my feelings. I have no comfort! fucking god damn! UGH!!!!! I wish I could drive and drive and drive to some place quiet and scream until my lungs give out. Fucking do something unruly, that I’ve never done before. To most people Im a fucking joke. I am NOT a fucking joke! I wish I could just leave, unannounced, unplanned. Just me and matt, since he is the only thing I have that makes me feel even an ounce of happiness. Just pack up some stuff and leave town for a while. Heck, maybe even just go elope. I love our wedding date and everything but I would marry that boy faster than my heart can beat. At least it would be passionate and happy. God, what I would give for one person to just understand….I feel so fucking numb.