Today was hard. Watching my second close friend have her baby shower. Granted becca and I are closer but it still was hard. Holding everyone’s babies. I love my little nephew revan to death. He’s such a good boy. The feeling I get when I hold a child. I want that for my self. I want to be some ones momma. I wish I was experiencing kicks and hiccups and morning sickness, swelling, fatigue, I want to feel it all. :( I keep trying to tell myself someday but it’s hard. Someday when it’s the right time. But that’s all I want. Sometimes it’s hard just not to burst out in tears… I just had to get my feelings out…

Why does all the weight always get put solely on my shoulders?

Someday things will be perfect, at least that’s what I keep saying….someday.

I finally get to a good place where I’m comfortable with not having a baby at this very moment and someone has to come along and ruin that. Remind me of the pain I feel deep down in the thoufht of not veing able to carry a child. It kills me on the inside. Makes me feel like shit. Tell me I’m fat so I can’t have children. Why? Why do that to me? I was fine with waiting. Now all I feel is pain. The pain of losint my child and the pain of possibly not being ablebto have another one

Ive never wanted this so badly before… Its like I can feel it… Idk…

I have decided that I am going to lose weight BY HOWEVER I HAVE TO. Even If I have to starve myself…. Its the only way Ill ever have a family….

Things in my life tend to fall as they should. And in time, my life will be exactly how I imagined. Just gotta let it come on its own.

Dont want to get my hopes up….  This is such bad timing… but who knows maybe with bad timing comes things Ive always wanted… I surely hope so.